What has been on my mind?....

That is a question that I have been wondering for a while.

Well, to start off I got back from Italy on May 10th and I missed it right away. I hate the US. I hate the US lifestyle, the food, and motorists. They're fricken morons and retarded. Don't get me wrong, I missed all of my friends and family, but there's now just something missing and thats Italy. I feel like I belong there and I want to belong there.

When I got back to Madison on May 18th, my body decided to breakdown and have me go through hell. I got some stomach flu thingy. The first night I puked 6 times and had horrible shits. It lasted for 7-8 days. I could barely eat, and I lost 10 pounds in 3 days....thats always nice. I had to take more time off the bike for that....I didn't ride my bike for 5 weeks and that was killer. Lost some fitness. But since that point in time I've been feeling alright....except for the legs.

I only work at SAFEwalk this summer and I barely have any money. I'm doing another research study on the bike, with shocking and stuff, so theres a little bit more income. This Tuesday I actually have an interview at a modeling agency. Hopefully they like my looks and sign me. I think that would be a cool job. I'm also a lazy person and hate working, so the less work for money the better. If that doesn't go through I may get a job at Capital Foods cuz I really need some more money. We'll see what I do. If anything I stop eating and doing fun things. Great....

As for my legs...they have been feeling like complete shit for the past two months. Racing hasn't been going the way I was hoping it would and I haven't really been training. When your legs feel so shitty, you kinda lose any motivation to keep riding. But finally just the other day I went for a ride with Dallas and I finally felt decent on a bike. The 65 mile ride opened up my legs for some reason. The ride even today felt great and I felt like I had power again. Thank god its starting to feel good now...Superweek is in 2 weeks and I want to go for the overall (at least a top 10 if I could). We'll see....

And things have been on my mind definitely as many of you probably have noticed and have asked about it. Yes, I haven't been myself lately...or at least I can tell. I was an asshole last night and drank myself silly. I was stupid and should never have done that. I embarrassed myself and probably was kinda mean to others. More than I usually would. Not quite me. I've been wearing a mask and I don't like it. But I hate talking about it all. I really don't even know what's on my mind. I don't know how to put it into words. Its all scrambled in my head. And I can't seem to unscramble it. I've never been one to really tell what I'm feeling either. Its hard though when you don't even know what to say, or even how to start.

I don't smile as much as I use to, I don't laugh as much, I stare off into space, I don't have motivation for anything, and I just can't think right. I don't know why. This summer has been fun, but again something is missing and I really don't know what I want. Sometimes I feel lonely...actually I've been feeling very lonely. Is it time to finally find a significant other? I don't know. Just someon new to hang out with? I don't know. I've seen a lot of couples out there in Madison and sometimes it makes me a little depressed. Yet, at times I'm happy being single, but I think thats starting to wear away. I would enjoy a cuddle from time to time, a kiss that actually means something, a loving hug. Do I need a woman? I don't know. There's a couple girls on my mind....but: One is taken, one is in Germany, and one I barely know. Those are the only two usually on my mind. But is there someone else out there for me. Thats always the question. And as many of you know...I'm picky. I need a certain someone. Hopefully I find it. I don't quite want to be lonely anymore.

On a brighter note, I have a 6 hour mountain bike race in Franklin, WI tomorrow. First endurance mtb race I've done. We'll have to see how the legs hold and the bike. All I really have to do is beat Geo and Gehling...thats my goal.

Well I better get to bed seeing that I race in 11 hours. We leave at 10am. Lets do this. Ciao....