Life.....

So tonight was fun until a point...and you probably don't want to read the rest of this.

I've been tipsy or drunk for the past 4 nights in a row. I think its starting to get to me. Tonight started great and then hit rock bottom. I don't think people really like me. They just act and say they see me as a friend even though they don't want to be my friend. I know I'm an ass. I don't know why I am. I just am. I won't believe any of the comments I get....if any. Who really reads this blog anyways. You probably shouldn't anyways. Don't waste your time.

Mostly my life is going nowhere right now. I don't bike anymore...I want to bike more though. I just wish people would understand that I'm having a bad year and don't want to be on the bike. I don't have a job that has to do anything with my major. I don't have money to do anything. I drink alot. I sleep until 2 in the afternoon. No one really seems to want to be my friend. I suck at meeting new people. I don't have a girlfriend (by the way I fucking hate it when people call me gay...I FUCKING HATE IT...even as a joke). I'm not secure with myself. I say the wrong things.

I don't know what I want. Aaron and I had a conversation just last night about relationships...Minch understands too. I have a lot of passion to give...but I don't have anyone to give it to. I can't even find anyone. That's all I want right now. I so badly want to find a girlfriend. I've put it in posts before, but I want someone now. It's different than the last posts. I would like to get on my bike right now, but I hate it when people call me weak since I haven't been on a bike for awhile...yeah, sorry I've had such a bad year that I don't want to be on my bike right now. I just want to take the rest of the year off, but I feel like I need to race and shit like that just to fit in. I finally had fun on the bike today. I went on a ride with Minch. It wasn't training or anything like that. It was just a fun ride, that's all.

I don't want people to ask me about modeling anymore. Sorry I ever brought it up. I don't want to have a huge ego. I hate myself anyways....but I guess thats what keeps me going somehow....having a big ego. I've tried to tone it down, but I guess people still see me ass an ass.

Sorry if I've put my finger in your ear. Sorry if I've said something rude to you. Sorry if I've offended you. Sorry if I've said the wrong thing. Sorry if I've thought too highly of myself. I'm trying to change my attitude. Maybe I should just stay away for awhile (probably would make you all happy). Thank god school is starting....it'll be easy then. And I'll have two jobs and want to do well with my grades.

I've meant everything I've said in this post. You think I "love" myself. Well....guess what....I don't.

Ciao